To the Form one Students of the University. by Maalim Salat

As a form four student of the university, I feel obliged to welcome the newcomers to this great institution and teach them what they may not know.

As a form one student, you must have noted that this is an institution with a difference. Let me tell you why:

No one calls you mono. You are freshaz. This means that you got much more to learn. If you are a lady, ancient creatures like me who live in A,B and F hostels will compete with former freshaz to “welcome” you.

The headboy of the university is called a chairman. Please note that this year we don’t have a chairman; we have a mtumishi a man of the people. His name, Mwambuzi Mwang’ome Mwangamia, suggests how useful and good he is. Those who teach you in class are not called teachers. They are your Lecturers and the Headmaster is called a Dean.

The houses where you sleep are not dormitories. They are called hostels. The prefects of the hostels are called janitors. They will never punish you for not waking up early.

There are no such things as class prefects. In the university they are called class representatives. You may hear comrades call them “class reps”. They happen to be those who were not lucky enough to have a friend of the opposite sex.

In the university we don’t have classes or forms. Your level is known by the number of years you spend worshiping a coil. So I am not a form four or class four student, I am a fourth year student.

In the university, we don’t read too much to pass exams. The form twos and threes will tell you that siri ya mtihani ni mwaks. You just wait until it’s one week to exams. You will spend this week preparing mwax. There are two types of mwaks: the softcopy mwax and the hardcopy mwax. The former will give you confidence while the latter will create fear in you and may send you home for good.

In the university, sleeping in a lady’s room is not bad. You can spend the night in her room or she visits you. The host will have to send his/her roommate into exile. So it is not surprising to spend nights outside the room that you paid for.

Lastly I would like to encourage you to join The 3^rd Eye where empty heads like mine and JVC heads full of English vocabulary compete to entertain, educate and inform comrades.