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By Clifford Ogutu
“It’s a great privilege and honor for me to make into notice that I have fallen in love with you since 20th, august, 2010 at 7:30 p.m in your room. I must say that that you were not an easy nut to crack but due to my widespread experience, determination and ‘language’, I managed to make you see that I am the man your mama told you to bring home. I will go straight to the point and tell you the main purpose of my writing to you.
It is vital for you to know that our love affair would be termed for a period of four months. After a detailed analysis of the affair in this given period of time, the tenure would be extended, made permanent or discontinued depending with your co-operation. Sweetheart, let me make you aware of my few and very easy principles. First, in our future meeting, the expenses incurred between us will be coffee and the date would be shared between us equally. Secondly, I would not engage myself in any of your impulse buying; if by any chance you purchase anything, just settle the bills by yourself and don’t make the mistake of asking me to refund you the cash. Thirdly, my phone no longer accepts please call me and missed flash because the two are insult and hate speech and can de punished by me leaving you.
My dearest, do not expect me to visit you all the time and walk with you while holding hands all over the campus as if I have no other business to do. At night time I will not expect you in my room past 10 o’clock because I might be tempted to make babies with you and I don’t think you will be proud to have a capital ‘D’ now, apart from that I have got no money to buy nupkins. Did I mention to you that I turned into a very staunch vegetarian over the holiday and I know longer consume any flesh or animal products like eggs? Therefore embrace yourself for sukuma wiki whenever you visit me in my room. By the way I do use plastic plates in my room and I cannot impress you by borrowing ‘earthed’ plates from my neighbors. Dear, I almost forgot to tell you that you will be accompanying me to the posho-mill at mabs and upon our return I will buy you sugarcane to exercise your jaws since PK is meant for the people from the city and am not one of them.
I want to believe that you have fully read and understood every policy and in return I expect a reply letter from you in a weeks time before I change my love for you and hunt your room mate.
I do hereby declare you my girlfriend of this semester.
Yours faithfully, sincerely and seriously
Nielewe Tuvumiliane Tupendane.