THIEF CAUGHT IN HOSTEL F

Residents of Hostel F were, yesternight, treated to a drama after a thief was arrested for stealing a laptop. The student, a fourth year media student, was caught by a group of irate comrades after he was suspected of stealing a laptop from his friend.

After an hour of interrogation, the suspect admitted to stealing the laptop with the intention of selling it to settle his semester fees of Ksh 9000. The student had remained in school as his classmates travelled to Mombasa.

Following the incident the hostel residents have now asked the janitor to relocate the student to a different hall of residence for being a security threat, “How can you steal from a friend? Hatuwezi tukaishi na wezi! Huyo jamaa atatuibia tena!” added an angry comrade. 

“Theft has been rampant in this campus and it’s high time it came to an end. Those involved should face the full wrath of the law,” added the laptop owner.

This semester has recorded a high number of theft cases especially in electronics. By the time of going to press the student had returned the laptop and recorded a statement at the security office.

CAMPUS TERMS AND THEIR REAL TRANSLATIONS14

By Mohammed Doyo

In campus, we have some common phrases that are popular among the student fraternity. And as a communication student who is very keen on the language use during conversations and chats, I found it ‘worthy’ to compile this list just in case you needed to know the REAL meaning/translation of some of this phrases. 

‘K’− You are totally boring and I want to end this conversation. 

“Oh”− I don’t know what else to say

“Ok”− I am busy

“Yup”− Stop talking to me

“Umemaliza assignment?”− I have not done my assignment and I want to copy yours right now.

“I got swag” − I am just another overgrown teenager who still thinks acting stupid makes one famous.

“Me ni hustler”− I am broke most of the time

“Uko single?”− I was dumped the other day; I am, therefore, interested in you.

“Uko stage?” − I am about to come there so prepare to buy me food or booze

“My twin”− My close friend who looks nothing like me

“Hii story hapana!”− This is no longer a laughing matter and this situation is now considered serious.

“My heart is taken but I’m single”− She/he doesn’t love me any more

“Siwezi make kutembea, nimechoka”− unless you are buying me chips or smokie, I am not willing to go with you

“Me ni half cast”− I am ashamed of my original tribe and therefore I can’t mention it in public

“I am broke”− I only have enough money for ME.

“Umm.. I got a boyfriend “− Not only are you ugly, you are broke too. Get out of my face

“Whatever!”− I refuse to continue the conversation because you have ruined my mood!

“Why are you lying?”− Why are you telling people something TRUE that I don’t want them to know?

“LOL”− I was flirting, but just in case you are not feeling it, I will make it seem like a joke

“Girl, you will not believe what happened to me”− Prepare to hear my exaggerated version of the story

“I swear sitaambia mtu yeyote”− except my three best friends, my boyfriend, his sister and that random guy on FB, everyone else won’t know about it!

“Mwakenya”− an external micro hard disk that is very essential for intellectual reinforcements in the exam room (as per University student’s dictionary, Moi Uni Edition 2013)

“Naenda library kuchop”− Exams are beginning tomorrow

“Class imebounce”− God answered my prayers. I now have extra 3 hours to watch my favourite series

“Unaishi hostel gani?”− I am idle today and therefore I wouldn’t mind visiting you at your place.

“My dad loves me so much”- I receive M-Pesa messages on regular basis from my father.

DON’T HOLD BACK, WE ARE STILL CAPABLE TOGETHER

By Matthew Nyang'or

Often when we, comrades, face obstacles in our day to day life in our institution, our hurdles seem very small in comparison to what many others are facing or have to face. Let’s take the past and bury it to create an enabling space for the present to engulf it and take a chance to make a wise choice.

Let’s all know that we are still capable of overcoming our challenges. The change (we want) that seems impossible can be realized by our own determination and persistence to cultivate our thoughts and minds to judge what is right for us and make it practical no matter the odds.

It is important to accomplish certain things like managing the accommodation crisis, handling comrades HELB issues, letting comrades know about the University academic schedule to enable proper planning, developing proper ways of rewarding class reps for their contributions to lecture coordination, incorporating the special needs students among others. This will create a better environment for academic improvement.

For the above issues to be tackled, it calls for us to accept that there is a gap that needs to be filled; one that will mark the beginning of the change we want, because we all need positive transformation by all the stakeholders concerned.

It calls for listening and mutual understanding of comrades’ needs. That is when we will find peace of mind to advocate for the change we want. All our dreams can come true; if we only have the courage to pursue them.

We can never truly know what we’re capable of until we give it a try.

STUDENTS IRATE OVER POWER INTERRUPTION

By Ednah Ombaso

Students residing on the 3rd floor of Hostel K were involved in a conflict with the janitor and electrician on Tuesday over persistent power interruptions in their wing.

The students, who sought to take matters into their hands, claimed that it had been almost two months since they reported the matter to the janitor. The janitor, who was confused on what to do, told the students that the problem would be resolved as soon as funds were allocated. “The university has no funds to cater for the problem, but we have been asked to wait until the budget is read”, said the janitor.

It was reported that power goes off as soon as one person in that wing begins to cook or do other chores using power. Even charging a phone is a problem. Most are forced to cook late at night when people have retired to bed and wake as early as 4 am to heat water up or prepare breakfast. “Mtu ka mimi huamka 3 am kupika na kusoma sababu najua masaibu ya hii power!” exclaimed one resident.

After a number of questions from the students, the irate electrician left the venue without repairing the switch. The residents insisted that they needed action. “I wonder how we will survive na venye exam imekaribia,” said another lady. The power situation is yet to be rectified.

THE LAPTOP SYNDROME

By Timothy Otieno

The moment I walked into the gates of this “esteemed” (a debatable title to use for this place) university on 11th July 2011, I knew I’d meet beautiful ladies; many in number than I had ever seen in my entire adolescent life. What I didn’t realize then was that merely seeing them was not the issue. 

The elephant in the room was whether I had found an appropriate match to meet my standards (Yes! drop the look ladies, we men do have specifications as well…and just a heads up ladies, if you can’t cook and you snore like a pig at night you really rank low on the quality scale and highly on the ‘Chips funga-type’ scale). Anyway, let’s proceed with the issue at hand. There’s a syndrome that I got introduced to once I settled in well at this campus. 

This has been predominantly effected our female colleagues, the most affected lot being male individuals who lack a certain electronic gadget. Forget having HELB money in your back pocket to woo the ladies, these days things are digital my friend! If you do not possess an up-to-date laptop model, forget your chances of nailing a beautiful campus diva! Ask me, I know. Now I do not entirely lack ownership of a laptop myself but let’s just say my device may have been around during the time of the birth of the great explorer Vasco Da Gama! 

I recently approached an admirable lady who for defamation reasons I’ll choose to call “Cleopatra”. Now, Cleopatra (not her real name), or Cleo if you choose, had all the features of a divine entity. She was godly and attended church regularly and her chapos were the best I’d ever tasted in this campus…za Kwa Chela hazitoshi mboga! I had unleashed my most valued pick-up line. The arrows of love and affection were shooting at her direction. So one evening out of nowhere she asked “By the way, Timo uko na laptop?” I was a bit puzzled but slyly answered “Ndio niko nayo.”


She requested that I give her the gadget for the night and of course I did. When I showed her the laptop, I will never forget the look in her eyes! It’s like I had shown her the body of the risen Christ! As my nature dictates, I usually ask a lot of questions so I sought to find out what was the issue. She politely said she had assignments to do and did not even take my laptop. Several days later and a series of unanswered phone calls led me to seek information on what I might have done. That’s when a couple of my fourth year friends introduced me to the phenomenon – the laptop syndrome!

I got to know that lately in campus, chicks fall for dudes with laptops and if you don’t have one, or like me have an outdated one, then pole kwako!!! Many ladies like this gadget because it helps them unwind and provide a source of entertainment after a day of classes (as if we their ‘boyfriends’ cannot undertake that task without the help of a device!) If you are looking at your situation and there’s no chance you’re getting a laptop soon, fret not! 

Free laptops are soon to be handed to our younger brothers and sisters in class one, courtesy of the Jubilee government. We can just take those ones from them. After all, if you ask me, it’s the campus peeps that are in need of laptops rather than our toddler siblings who can barely hold a pen in the right manner.

So, ladies suffering from ‘The Laptop Syndrome’, we are eagerly waiting to join the league of those that have laptops. You are going to have no choice but to tag along with us as the Samsung laptops the government will give out will most likely fall into our possession.

The writer is a Third Year Journalism student.

DIASPORA, THE FORGOTTEN

By Kinyua Njeri

A lot has been said about students who live at Stage and its environs. Though other hostels have got problems too, residents of the diaspora must be the university’s most unfortunate lot. This is the forgotten group indeed!

In the last fortnight, residents of Blue Gates, Comfort, Forest View and other ‘satellite’ hostels have persistently experienced dark nights (and dark days too). It all started when those living in VeeCam were evicted from the then prestigious hostel after a prolonged electric blackout. They were then allocated rooms in Comfort, a ladies’ hostel by then. 

Though many found it favourable, I never got the logic behind the whole issue. What was easier to do? Or better still, which was the best solution to the problem? Evicting the students or repairing the faulty circuit? Though logic would have definitely favoured the latter, the administration had a higher affinity for the former.
The students thought their problem had found a lasting solution until the now horn-grown KPLC (Euphemists will call it Kenya Power) found it sound to repair a faulty transformer. To my amazement, it took two weeks to repair a circuit, all in vain. Once again, the students cursed things they couldn’t see. The university had taken them from boiling soup to the fire itself!

The rooms had no hint of electricity. Hard water from the filthy wells was not nutritious enough to see them through. Those who HELB ‘disliked’ had nothing in exchange for Chela’s cookies. They simply had to relive the forty-days-in-the-wilderness experience!
When the good managers noted it, they had another awesome idea. Everybody was given an ultimatum to clear from the rooms within countable hours. 

With the great submissive nature of our Moi student hood, all reactions were internally displayed.

Demoralized murmurs could be heard here and there. What was beyond belief is that none of them had a clue of where to go. All they had been told to do was clear from the rooms and get others elsewhere. 

That is definitely not right. It can never be right to displace a person from his residence without giving him a better or similar alternative.
As usual, our good old MUSO had nothing to offer, neither the hope they orate when they have nothing to say nor the technical appearance they make to prove to students that they still exist. Being a hostel-far-away-from-school, little attention was given. The victims murmured curses that did not go beyond their bitter glottis.

They had nothing but bitterness to swallow. No student leader, not even the mouthy ones, dared to address the obstinacy of the issue.
But can a full MUSO official, elected by comrades to serve for a single academic year, but serving a bloated tenure of two full academic years aided by the unpredictable calendar and enjoying the opulence of an embezzled MUSO kitty in a self-contained room in Eldoret town, find the time or energy to present student grievances? He’s simply too busy for that. 

That’s why they will hold Kamukunjis then literally run away from us. They know how to ignite tension but are totally illiterate to manage it. Though they were able to convince voters with envisioned ideas during the crossfire, they confused many with the eloquent lies.

Now, the centre cannot hold anymore and therefore, things are falling apart. How comes almost all of the hostels in the diaspora lack electricity? Who has ever heard of such a coincidence? Moi arise!

The writer is a 2nd Year Literature Student.

WHEN YOUR HONEY BECOMES INTERESTED IN YOUR MONEY

By Isaac Meso

The saying that men are only powerful when dealing with their fellow men came to dawn on me the other day when a friend of mine shared how his ex-girlfriend had manipulated him into squandering all his savings plus the regular boom that he receives from HELB. 

Apparently all was hidden to him because he was ‘in love’ with her. Yeah, the phrase ‘in love’ is in quotes for a reason. A reason that will make me soon start an activist body for my own gender. I bet I will call it Men Against Gold Diggers Association (MAGDA). We campus men have equally suffered in the hands of this ruthless women who have disguised themselves as lovable and innocent only to rip us off to the last dime. I believe it’s the high time men get to understand these beautiful, yet dangerous creatures.
So what are the symptoms that your honey is not interested in you but she is there for the love of your money?
 
She only beeps
Even the dumbest man on earth can see this one coming. Unfortunately when a man is interested in a lady even the obvious things become rocket science. When your lady beeps even after you have sambazad her a hundred bob, start packing your bags bro because this is the last place you want to be especially if you’re using your HELB money to impress her. If she truly feels your vibe she will call you even if she has 0.75 shillings left in her phone. Woe unto you if she feels your pocket.
 
She only calls or texts during lunch hours
“Beb si unanipeleka lunch?” Quite a simple yet manipulative phrase especially when it comes from her. If your lady never calls you 'Beb' for starters don’t even fall for this line. How on earth can someone text or call you only during lunch hours and you fail to see the danger in it? Maybe I am too sceptical to see the love in it but this is a total rip off. If you’re philanthropic enough to take your lady out for lunch that’s fine but when a pattern is developed from this gentlemanly act, then you need to be keen before you end up feeding some conniving woman in the name of a girlfriend for a whole semester with your hard earned money.
 
She doesn’t introduce you to her friends
They can disagree with me, but research has shown that ladies love discussing their men with their fellow girlfriends especially during their free time. If she doesn’t feel you, she will rarely mention your name in their chats leave alone flaunting how you are a prince charming. This will play out right on face when you coincidentally meet her friends and you realize how blank they will look when you’re being introduced as the significant other. Bottom line you are just being used as a walking ATM and the introduction is just done to sooth your dismay. Run while you still have the energy. You might not see it coming but the signs are written in block letters.
 
She always creates excuses whenever you want to spend time together
They say love is blind, and I take this literal meaning to be very correct. When men are in love even flimsy excuses given to them by their ladies pass the truth meter with flying colours. This is the status quo we need to snap out from. Yes there exist valid excuses, but there those circumstances where excuses are used as a tool to keep men away. She will always be by your side like a shadow when she knows you’re loaded with cash only for her to start avoiding you when your account hits the bedrock. If that’s what they call being in love then I will take a jet to Mars when that time for courtship comes.

My friend is just one among many campus men who suffer silently in the name of being ‘in love’. But today I am going to leave this free advice “If she doesn't feel you, she ain't worth your money” and “Mwanaume ni madeni…” so quit that relationship before you start paying debts you borrowed to buy kebabs for her during the lunch breaks.

WHO WILL SAVE KENYA FROM TRIBALISM?

By Remington Miheso

I am a keen follower of the Comrades Forum page on Facebook and what I see being posted on it keeps me wondering, who will ever save Kenya from this thing called tribalism? Someone said, the worst mistake one can ever do to one is giving them knowledge when they lack wisdom – what will the knowledge be used for?
When a student from the University of Nairobi still thinks in the line of Njuguna, Otieno and Wafula, who will ever save Kenya? Some of the posts on that page are so irritating that I sometimes contemplate on unliking the page but again running away from a problem is cowardice!

When I went home after completing the second semester of my second year, the elders set to interrogate me to gather information on how I was ‘fairing’ in my quest to find a wife (I wonder who told them I was looking for one). Of course I had to tell them I had someone. But what they were interested in was not me having someone but the name of that person! Chepleting, I told them.
They all frowned, why, because Chepleting is from Rift Valley and I am from Western. These are old men who didn’t step into any class; they think like that guy who wakes up every morning to go study in the Jomo Kenyatta Library. The difference here is that one group has knowledge and lacks wisdom and another group lacks both. 

If we, university students can’t be differentiated from the villagers who didn’t go to school, who will ever save Kenya? Will we continue blaming tribalism on this and that forever? I think that page entertains some of the most insensitive students in Kenya. Many of them need rehabilitation to get out of the bondage of tribalism. 

Surely, how do we expect the class one kids (who by next year will be on Facebook and Twitter) to emulate us? What will they learn from us? We who still think Uhuru Kenyata is Kikuyu and not the president of Kenya, who insists on using the second name of our deputy president rather than the first one for the simple reason that he is from the Kalenjin community.
 
A guy posts, “the Kikuyu are thieves”, out of the urge to protect his tribe. Another comments, the Luo are uncircumcised! And these are the same people we expect to be ‘good’ leaders tomorrow. These are the people who, even after four years in campus, leave the same way they came in, having wasted four years in the system.
It’s my opinion that university students need to stand out and initiate the process to end tribalism in Kenya. We do not need to watch videos of what happened after the 2007 general elections to know that tribalism is what derails Kenya’s development. 

If we hadn’t done what we did then, we wouldn’t be talking of settling the internally displaced persons. TJRC could not exist to waste millions (money that would have been used to build another super highway to my village or added to the thirty five thousand shillings I get from HELB) in its sitting and prepare a report, one I doubt will ever be implemented.

Tribalism is hard to decimate. This is a perception not the reality. It all starts with me and you. If I don’t see my roommate as Kamba or Kisii, there is no way I will see my lecturer as a Luo and thus my president as a Kikuyu. 

It’s all in the mind. It’s only that we don’t want to end tribalism in Kenya. It would end if we wanted it to. Surely, there is no way we can all be from the same tribe, that’s impossible!

MEMORIES OF AN ELDER

By Wesonga Quintas

Having overstayed here as an elder in our dear university with a difference, my memory membrane vibrates with a litany of fond memories, a mixture of joy and sorrow, achievement and failure on both our part and the system at large. Talking of systems reminds me of one quotation I got from the university senate: “Systems cannot be fought.” Don’t ask me when and why I was told that. It was at the senate chambers.
I was here to see our big university open the greatest number of campuses in the country in the tenure of Prof. Mibey as the VC. Mention Kitale, Karatina, Yala, Narok and Coast campuses and all happened in my lifetime as a comrade. I was still here to see some of them grow into fully fledged universities such as Karatina, Maasai Mara, Kabianga and University of Eldoret. My only worry is, ceteris paribas, these sons of Moi will soon rank above their mother.
When I was coming to Moi for the first time, I was sure I was lost until I saw the “Karibu umefika” notice at the beautiful gate. This was because the Cheptiret-Moi road was pathetic. It was only recarpeted following a big demonstration and death of a comrade. Now that the road is almost achieving the original status, another comrade must prepare to die and several others prepare for suspension.
In first year, I was welcomed by great student-politicians such as future Siaya senator Felix Gworo who by then was the MUSO Sec. Gen. We later had Victor Mairura and company. After then, I was privileged to witness death and burial of comradeship. Mwamburi strived in vain to revive it and made some progress. His successors have ensured the final cementing of the grave for comrade power. I was here to see all this.
Then came the ISO certification. The less I say on this the better to save my skin. The only good thing that happened in line with this was the Universities Act 2012 which created the Commission for University Education. The commission then went round inspecting public universities. For the first time since 1984, buildings were repainted!
The university has however done well on beautification. Flowers are all over campus and one can be cheated that it has always been so. These flowers were planted just the other day, 2009 to be precise. The wireless portal is another achievement.
Due to the infamous double intake, we experienced the longest holiday for 8 months. This enabled the 26th SGC to go for an illegal two-year term and still did nothing. This was then followed by the longest semester lasting from November to April. During the semester, we had 3 breaks!
To appear modern, the university replaced blackboards with whiteboards in all lecture rooms. This was still in 2009. Unfortunately, no orientation was done leading to the current state of the white boards in most of our lecture rooms.
I was here to see the Moi University Dispensary upgraded to a hospital although nothing had changed. NCT building was completed in 2009 after being started in the early 1990s. A hostel had one wing completed and ablution blocks constructed to completion in my lifetime in this campus. History proves that it doesn’t happen that easy. My son will be here to see the said hostel completed.
As an outgoing elder, I recommend the following: Immediate steps should be undertaken to disband MUSO and empower school organizations. More hostels should be constructed by inviting private developers to ease accommodation problem. The university must check its admission policy pegged on available resources. PSSP should be scrapped and mature entry be reintroduced to allow equality of access to education. PSSP widens the gap between the rich and the poor against the goals of education.
Since I have written in vain for all my life as a comrade on dressing, especially for our ladies, I recommend that a dressing code be enforced strictly. Finally, to bring any meaningful change, all those people who have been here since the 1980s should be laid off. Only then shall we see change!

EXAM DATES REMAINS UNCHANGED; SET TO BEGIN ON 24th JUNE

By Mohammed Doyo

Examination dates have not changed, the concerned department has clarified. They are still as earlier scheduled-(starting on 24th June, ending on 12th July). Speaking to The 3rd Eye in his office this morning, the head of the examinations department, Dr. Menjo dismissed the rumors currently doing rounds in campus that the above dates have been pushed to July.

“The university has not changed the examination dates. The exams will begin on 24th June and end on 12th July 2013. Any other information contrary to this is wrong and misleading,” he said.

This means the students have less than two weeks to prepare for the exams while the lecturers have the same amount of time to complete the syllabus.

Meanwhile, the KCSE 2010 2nd years-2nd sem; 3rd years-2nd sem; 4th years-1st sem; current 1st years-2nd sem will be reporting for the start of their respective new semester on 22nd July 2013. This is according to a program schedule revealed to The 3rd Eye (Pictured).

STUDENT COMMITS SUICIDE AT HOME

A third year electrical engineering student committed suicide last night at home in Makueni County following a family dispute. Chester Katuva Muendi, a student in Moi University, hanged himself on a tree after consuming rat poison. 

The late Chester had left campus for the holidays last week after which he went to his brother’s home in Nairobi. Upon his mother’s request, he left for his rural home in Makueni County where he was expected to work on the family farm. 

According to his close friend, Evans Lumumba, the deceased worked on the farm for the better part of yesterday. He was supposed to have left for attachment in Nairobi tomorrow. 

The incident occurred at around 7.30 pm last night. The police collected the body today morning that is lying at the Lee Funeral Home in Nairobi.

STUDENT HOSPITALIZED AFTER SEX MISHAP

A second year female student was admitted at the Moi Teaching and Referral Hospital over the weekend after she bled profusely while having sex. The incident happened on the ground floor of Hostel J on Saturday night at around 9 pm.

According to our source, there was commotion in her room prompting her female friends to check on her. They were shocked to find the lady unconscious.

One of the ladies alerted the ambulance driver, who rushed the lady to the dispensary. The boyfriend and lady friends accompanied her to the health facility. Fluids were administered to stabilize her blood imbalance resulting from the heavy blood loss.

The medical officer on night shift confirmed the incident last night. He added that there was no cause for alarm as the lady was in stable condition.

However, he didn't disclose the cause of the incident citing the profession's code of conduct. The lady is currently recovering in hospital.