THE LAPTOP SYNDROME

By Timothy Otieno

The moment I walked into the gates of this “esteemed” (a debatable title to use for this place) university on 11th July 2011, I knew I’d meet beautiful ladies; many in number than I had ever seen in my entire adolescent life. What I didn’t realize then was that merely seeing them was not the issue. 

The elephant in the room was whether I had found an appropriate match to meet my standards (Yes! drop the look ladies, we men do have specifications as well…and just a heads up ladies, if you can’t cook and you snore like a pig at night you really rank low on the quality scale and highly on the ‘Chips funga-type’ scale). Anyway, let’s proceed with the issue at hand. There’s a syndrome that I got introduced to once I settled in well at this campus. 

This has been predominantly effected our female colleagues, the most affected lot being male individuals who lack a certain electronic gadget. Forget having HELB money in your back pocket to woo the ladies, these days things are digital my friend! If you do not possess an up-to-date laptop model, forget your chances of nailing a beautiful campus diva! Ask me, I know. Now I do not entirely lack ownership of a laptop myself but let’s just say my device may have been around during the time of the birth of the great explorer Vasco Da Gama! 

I recently approached an admirable lady who for defamation reasons I’ll choose to call “Cleopatra”. Now, Cleopatra (not her real name), or Cleo if you choose, had all the features of a divine entity. She was godly and attended church regularly and her chapos were the best I’d ever tasted in this campus…za Kwa Chela hazitoshi mboga! I had unleashed my most valued pick-up line. The arrows of love and affection were shooting at her direction. So one evening out of nowhere she asked “By the way, Timo uko na laptop?” I was a bit puzzled but slyly answered “Ndio niko nayo.”


She requested that I give her the gadget for the night and of course I did. When I showed her the laptop, I will never forget the look in her eyes! It’s like I had shown her the body of the risen Christ! As my nature dictates, I usually ask a lot of questions so I sought to find out what was the issue. She politely said she had assignments to do and did not even take my laptop. Several days later and a series of unanswered phone calls led me to seek information on what I might have done. That’s when a couple of my fourth year friends introduced me to the phenomenon – the laptop syndrome!

I got to know that lately in campus, chicks fall for dudes with laptops and if you don’t have one, or like me have an outdated one, then pole kwako!!! Many ladies like this gadget because it helps them unwind and provide a source of entertainment after a day of classes (as if we their ‘boyfriends’ cannot undertake that task without the help of a device!) If you are looking at your situation and there’s no chance you’re getting a laptop soon, fret not! 

Free laptops are soon to be handed to our younger brothers and sisters in class one, courtesy of the Jubilee government. We can just take those ones from them. After all, if you ask me, it’s the campus peeps that are in need of laptops rather than our toddler siblings who can barely hold a pen in the right manner.

So, ladies suffering from ‘The Laptop Syndrome’, we are eagerly waiting to join the league of those that have laptops. You are going to have no choice but to tag along with us as the Samsung laptops the government will give out will most likely fall into our possession.

The writer is a Third Year Journalism student.