Friday, September 23, 2011

Why I want to be a MUSO Chairlady

by DAVID MWITARI

When I decided to visit the place where we live in fantasy so as to think like the fellow professors of Sulphuric Acid gallopping at the frakaz like the Gitaus and Odhisi to quench my thirst with comrades, I realized we (the trouser wearers) have no relevance living as chairmen.

The Sulphuric Acid blood in me advised me to pull down my trouser so as to be a potential candidate for the Chairlady here in paradise. And for you to know that to be a rocket scientist, like me, especially if you come from the land where the horizon is the end of the world, you have to take a full canter of keg alias busaa kwa kimombo. These are the allowances as the Chairlady I will enjoy as discovered.

The first reason is to enjoy the flattery of the Chairmen. As you all know, they normally call the Chairladies chemical names like sweethearts, babies, darling and honey. Myself being the most honourable chairlady, I would be the ‘great sweetheart’ and ‘the most original honey’, the most anointed and adored by all babies. My name Julietos, which I will be referred by, would enjoy regular airplay at our great noise maker MU 103.9fm of where, when and what I was doing, especially bearing in mind that I am the commander-in-chief of the Chairladies and the Chairmen.

Of more important is the moustache I possess: it would create the attention of the equals from the other heartbreakers in Jerusalem city—the KU’s and UON’s. They would pay me a pilgrimage like the cousins of Semenya did when he beat our ‘ptiret and ‘ptagit in the race. Remember they would pay for the interviews with me. Moreover, possessing the hoarse voice like mine which I’m afraid Odhisi told me I share with Mashoka the Al-Shabaab, I would rule without consultation. The Chairmen should not down their tools when I say I would regulate their access of Hostel J, K and L. This would be by conducting a nominal roll to sensor those who follow the Chairladies every night.

Through this I would ensure they smell these hostels twice a month for only one evening which should be on a Monday and leave immediately the ten-ten rule beckons and on Sabbath hours before we the Chairladies leave for the shrine.

Consequently, being the great sweetheart, the only original honey and with a moustache I would ensure I leave in all Chairladies’ hostels changing every week to have a variety. Of more importance this should be a secret between me and you. It should not be leaked to our experienced pirates in Jerusalem city.

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