THE SHAMBA BOY SERIES: WHEN I WENT HOME FOR THE HOLIDAY

BY MAALIM SALAT

When I went home for the holiday, the village boys and girls gave me a heroic welcome. You know I am the first alumni of the only secondary school in our village to ever join a university. They asked me several questions about the university where presidents Daniel Moi and Moi Kibaki were educated, yaani Moi University.

Because I love my university, I had to lie to save the image of my university. For example, I did not tell them that more than a quarter of the students do not have rooms and that they live like those Somalis in the Indian Ocean or in a place called farakaz. I did not say anything about the fact that electricity is shared between hostels H and J. There was no need to tell them that form-1 communication students are waiting for the Red Cross Society to save them from doing CATs while sitting on the floor in a place called LT-4.

Instead, I told them about developments in the campus. The girls wanted to know if members of the female species can go university. They were surprised to hear that girls can perform better than boys. They asked me how a girl can survive in the university. I told them that they live like men: they wear trousers, men cook for them and they sleep in any hostel and in any bed.

I told them about Links Technology (the guys that force us to watch channels of their choice) and the computers that can be folded. They didn’t believe that there was a difference between a TV and a computer. I added that students at the university are clever because they support red devils called Manchester and armed bandits/gunmen called Arsenal.

I told the girls to stop applying mafuta ya ng’ombe on their bodies. Instead they should ask their parents to buy them something called lotion that is found in Nairobi. They should not greet boys with their hands. I showed them how to greet men by putting their bosoms on the men’s chest.

I told them about the houses that are built on top of each other called ghorofa. When they refused to believe this I had to show them a photo I took in front of hostel H with my former girlfriend. When they asked me about the girl in the photo with me, I told them about how every beginning of the year we get girls called freshaz and how the girl’s contract will end at the beginning of the following year when the next group of freshaz arrives. At this point the boys promised to work hard to join this university. I saw one of them jump up with joy and shout, “Haya! Kubata musijana fresh kila maka si mujeso, walahi mi naenda”.

I told them about the rooms in which we bathe; how by simply turning a knob on the wall, water would automatically fall from above one’s head like rain. However, I could not tell them about the place called exile where one goes to when his/her roommate is visited because I have never gone there.

I told them about the presence of Hassan peter Almashoka, the Alshabaab ambassador to Moi University. I told them how this guy is so nice that he doesn’t take anything from us. He simply knocks the mwakenya out of one’s head to remind the administration that police is not required to harass second class Kenyans in Garissa but to protect the future leaders of Kenya who are being educated in the university. I told them how he was once wrestled by our head boy when the latter mistook him for a thief.

Reminder: His eminence, Almashoka has gone to Somalia for holidays and will be back just before we begin the exams, please prepare your heads to welcome him.