ANGLOPHOBIA: MY LONG TERM DISEASE

By Governer Joel Evans

It is a disease that has consumed my whole being for the several generations I have lived. I was infected with the disease-causing pathogen long ago, and to date I have faced challenges to vanquish this fatalistic enigma. My mental statue has since then believed that this bizarre ailment has intensively been attributed to my retarded mental growth. It’s a dreary disease, indeed, Anglophobia – “the fear of English”.

English remains a complex phenomenon, and a language meant for the chosen few. On several occasions when these eloquent masters of the language exhibit their prowess, I encounter a chilly sensation and my body parts twitch involuntarily. And this is why: I vividly recall, during the first semester of my first year, when one of my lecturers dictated the content of a take-away assignment before the class. 

Seated at the very front, I had the privilege of grasping word-for-word without any twist arising from mishearing. This was the framing of the query; “Alluding with instructions, elucidate the psycho-socio-econo-phenomenological parameters of the aggrandizing poverty levels amidst the vagabonds of the contemporary society – 30marks.” I collapsed intellectually, physically immobilized, and for once I was emotionless, having understood nothing ! I had to seek a clear revelation of the jargoned piece from my nearest course mate.

Then came this day I got to follow the parliamentary proceedings. A minister, in between his response to a colleague, “Mr. Speaker Sir, the Leader of Government business must terminate his indecorous escapes of shielding lackadaisical members of the house who tend to be redundant in reacting to matters of national concern…” I never hesitated to vacate the vicinity of the TV station since I got drowned in discomposure, unease and was belittled by the volumes of vocabularies spit.

Our Judiciary also worsens my sickness. As much as I accolade the chief justice for his efforts in attainment of the autonomy of the Judiciary, I still cry foul for more reforms which should go beyond the abandoning of wigs and gowns by judges. The language used in the legal fraternity should be diluted. Here is a justification for my request; on questing the US Judicial Portal, the language used proved to be precise and understandable to the common “mwananchi” unlike the situation in the Kenyan court-rooms. 

“Therein’s, thereof’s, thereabouts, in contravention of chapter six, infringement of article 132, jeopardizing clause eight, and so on…” which do nothing but just mystify, perplex and intimidate. Isn’t access to justice also an inclusion of understandable language to all.
Then lastly came this spam “sms” that was doing rounds countrywide; over PLO Lumumba calling the fire station to come to his rescue as his house was on fire. “Are you the combustion officer? Can you please gravitate to my domiciliary habitation…” That turned me off completely!

Apologies to my fellow sick mates who have just rushed for the dictionary before completing the reading of this piece!