ACADEMICS REDEFINED

By Dagitari Kayai

I have interacted with a group of grey haired men who claim that they schooled “when education was education”. They boast of having amassed a lot of knowledge , that is why they possess unkempt hair an excuse which overshadows their state of poverty. I thought it wise to articulate to them why getting educated nowadays is a nightmare.

HISTORY;
They learned about Maji maji rebellion which was led by Kinjeketile Ngwale and closed the chapter on wars. What about our history? We have learned about a couple of very confusing wars. Post Election Violence, very baffling. The researcher, Moreno Ocampo, who did a biased work suggested that it was led by 6 guys. Later, he found out that two were too apprehensive to deserve the credit of leading warriors. Now he has 4 and still not sure who led it-Ocampo 4.

What with cramming the dates when Baragoi Massacre occured. Before the teacher covered the topic on the genocide, Baragoi Genocide season 2 was transpiring with heads of cattle disappearing and students stormed out to salvage their wealth.

Remember Tana River Revolt which is very hard to determine its day of commencement. One historian suggested that it was led by an MP. Another thought it POLITICAL. What will be the correct answer when asked about its leader?

Kismayu-KDF Conquer. Did it really happen? Hardly had the men in combat took the charcoal rich port than the Al shabaab started hurling grenades in Eastleigh. Why go for charcoal at the expense of our security in classes?

MATHEMATICS;
If Kamau Njoroge bought 3kgs of Sugar @ sh.50...their arithmetic was very static.
Try ours; Today the teacher says. If Hustler Mlalanjaa bought 3kgs @ sh 50...
Tomorrow teacher says...Am sorry the price of sugar is @ sh.90 after the price of petrol soared yesterday..
Day after tomorrow...some correction. Mlalanjaa couldn't get 3 kgs due to sugar shortage in the country..
When will we ever solve any sum in class living in such uncertainty?

RELIGION;
Our fathers were taught by missionaries that Jesus Is Coming Soonest but no one knows the day.
Our religion classes are bombarded by controversial end times; House of Yahwe said the world was supposed to end on Sept 21, 2006, Mayan made us eat everything before Dec 21,2012 the D-day. That is why it is simple for a camel to go through needle eye rather than scoring more than 10 in CRE.

HOME SCIENCE;
Our mothers were taught how to clean napkins and take care of them. They were taught how to care for newborns. Another crook from nowhere who never cares for our environs came up with diapers to nurture our wives -to -be laziness. They came up with someone who can pocket 5k as she baby sits.
The teacher told them that dirt is the source of diseases. No one cares for us that is why they tell us DIRT IS GOOD!

KISWAHILI;
Ask the older generation about Wanyama Shambani. They have a whole book in heads. What do our Swahili teachers teach us? Ikibamba sana wapi nduru weweee...
And when I ask a question the teacher answers...una maswali mengi kwani we ni polisi.

MUSIC;
Our teacher commands us to sing our national anthem in riddim style. He also tells us to recite the loyalty pledge and when we make a mistake he just shouts...PULL IT UP MY STUDENTS...
The other day I answered wrongly and he ironically told me...AWOOOH.

I'm sorry for our bogus academics!