Maalim Salat tellsof what he'll be doing at home

WHEN I GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Before the end of this moon, we shall close the university and I will be at home. I will have a lot of stories to tell my friends in the village about the university where presidents are educated. In my village, people believe that “Moi” is a title given to presidents. We had Arap Moi, we have Moi Kibaki and we shall have Willium Moi or Moi Odinga.

I will tell my friends about our new head boy whose names resemble those of domestic animals. He is Mwambuzi Mwang’ombe Mwangamia. This will remind my girlfriend the day I first met her and told her “nakupenda kama maziwa ya ngamia”.

I will visit my former secondary school and since I am the first of its alumni to join a university, all the students will be assembled to hear what I say. I will tell them that they don’t have to read all the time to pass their exams. They should start reading only a week to the exams. I will tell them “SIRI YA MITIHANI NI MWAKS”. I will explain the meaning of mwaks to them and by the end of my speech; they will have a full confidence in themselves that they will pass their KCSE exams.

I will tell my friends about bend-over. I will tell them that music is enjoyed not by shaking our heads but by a different manner in which a girl bows to the wall while a boy is behind her.

I will tell my fiancée that she is the fake type and that she will face divorce if she doesn’t behave like a girl educated in hostel J. She should wear trousers and her lips should suggest that she feeds on blood. She should start applying something called body lotion and put her bosom on my chest whenever we meet. She must know that her mouth was not only created for eating and talking but also for entertainment purposes.

They will ask me about developments on this side of Kenya. I will tell them about the computers that can be folded. “It looks like a book”, I will start explaining, “it knows everything, it can talk”.

I will tell them about the rooms in which we take bath. “You just need to turn a knob on the wall, water will fall from above you like rain,” I will tell them. 

They will also find it interesting to hear that one doesn’t have to marry a girl to sleep with her. “By joining any university in Kenya, one is automatically married to the opposite sex,” I will clear my throat and add: “We use something called KONDOM to avoid multiplying”.

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I would like to take this chance to wish all Shamba Boy readers the very best in their exams and a fruitful holiday. The Shamba Boy Series will be back next semester insha Allah. 

By MAALIM SALAT