PSYCHOLOGY RELOADED

By Lau Lawi

I need honorary degrees in different fields so as to bolster my chances of making the next government. There is the scramble for educational recognition from the outgoing vultures (Sorry, I meant Members of Parliament). I write this thesis on schools' psychology so at least this university can issue me with a PhD if not an honorary degree.

The schools are examined on the basis of behaviours exhibited by its students.

School of engineering This is the academy part of the university, It is also referred to as the University of Ngeria, a constituent academy of the engineering fraternity in Moi. Their classes don’t bounce and the lecturers are always punctual and available. The only problem is the students; they are divided into three psychological groups:

The kalewa group - this lot is ever drunk from Sunday to Sunday. They exhibit characteristics like shaggy uncombed hair, dirty jeans and overstretched t-shirts. They are class geniuses and have never sat for supplementary exams.

The perverts - these are all players. They juggle girls like marbles. They are very neat ,hypocritically quiet and always carry laptop bags even if they just contain The Theraja (engineering encyclopaedia). They have no definite girlfriends and are always speaking on phone (perhaps spinning lies to avoid a scene of cat fights).

The Holy Daves- they are always on church errands if not in class or MTL. They are confident, cool, ever-smiling and smartly dressed. Most of them hold offices in churches or church groups. The sad thing is that this group contains the least number of members. Their ladies are classified because they are either single or dating a school of Arts dude.

School of Arts and Social Sciences
This school should be renamed to include a department of madness and fashion disaster. Most dudes here don the Mohawk hair style even if they have cone-shaped heads. They are classified into two main groups:

The celeb wannabes - these are the dudes who don every item of clothing in fashion on a single day. You will find them with three shambalas, four plastic armbands, two plastic watches and a wrist rosary: all in one hand! They have plastic shades, sagging trousers (always exposing some faded inner wears) or overstretched vests and skinny jeans.

The bouncers - this group has the funniest members. They either have heavily built chests or a high protruding rib cage. They walk with arms spread out hence making themselves bigger. They walk with swag (read limping style with their bottoms thrust backwards). I hate dealing with this lot because they believe in the power of the fist and ignore the mind.

The ladies from this group are in two groups which are like heaven and earth. They are:

Mother Teresas - this lot includes staunch church goers who wear long skirts and four other items of clothing (jeans short, biker, panty and a petticoat) inside that skirt. They are always neat, well kept hair, skirt suits and closed taffees.

The crazy Agnes - this is where you find all types of hairstyle ranging from blue and green horse-hair extensions to a Mohawk. They wear short skirts covering the essentials and exposing enough for the guys to ogle at. They are attention seekers. They wear jeans that expose the bottoms and G-strings. If not in jeans they are in a low-cleavage tops and transparent tights that leaves a lot to be desired (I mean ogled at) and nothing to be imagined.

...to be continued.