AVOIDING LOVE WITH REGRETS

By Dagitari Kayai

After rigorous introspection, there are a couple of things I will never tell a girl to spare her the experience of LOVE WITH REGRETS.

I will never promise to take her to heaven. I am not sure whether it exists and if it exists I am among those who will never step there at this rate of sinning. It will take a print error in that Book of Life for me to shelter there.

Never refer to her as An Angel Sent from Heaven. Am very sure the only Angel who will pay me a visit on earth is Angel Of Death. And am sure he will be in business of terminating my life in this world. I fear his mention.

Taking her to the moon. Not me. I hope she has heard the amazing news of the few tycoons who have been there. It cost them a fortune. I am just a hustler, just be content when I take you around the Ghetto.

She features in all my dreams. Am sorry I remember very few especially the ones in which I find myself enjoying sumptuous delicacies with my friends.

Why cheat her that she is my screen saver. The truth is that my phone enjoys the pictures of Manchester United Players and Ferrari Cars.

You are my one and only. I remember my Sunday school teacher telling me that I am a descendant of David and Solomon. You remember David saw someone's wife bathing and organised a murder. Similarly King Solomon was more dangerous than Akuku Danger. What does she expect from me? More and more!

I heard another man promising her a ship. We fetch water from our well which cost my parents a lot in ‘sinking’. I am sure its water can't fill a swimming pool leave alone a sea for her ship.

You leave me breathless! That is the last wish I will have. Suffocating me is very fatal to my village. All have great expectations on me. Just let their son scale the ladder of success to help them.

When I see you my heart skips a beat. Never ever! In fact the heart beat increases as I try to figure out how fifty bob plus fifty bob can add up to a thousand to buy you pizza and wine.

I can't live without you. If this is true we could have been born as twins. According to the rate at which my stomach feels empty, the only thing I can't live without is a bowl of githeri.

You are my Comfort Zone. The only place I can spend my lifetime and which soothes me after a tiresome day is my Bed. It has made me disappoint many when I turn up late for an appointment.

You make my life so rich!???..Oh My God. If my “pauperness” is what is referred as rich I wonder how the poor man survives. Ask Bob Collymore the number of times he has blacklisted me after failing to clear my 10 bob Okoa Jahazi. He will also tell you that I was beseeching him to increase the level of Okoa Jahazi’s and “Please Call Me’s”.

Girl, you can never be my baby. You are supposed to be the mother of my baby. If otherwise, then am your Dad and that is forbidden incest.

I have a thick blood of Kikuyu hence you can never be always in my mind. I think in terms of Dollars. I will never ask her for One more night. I need her all the nights.