NAKED TRUTHS 101

By Henry Adera

Okay, okay. There are numerous annoying things common amongst us comrades that are rather so last year. Many are times we are left perplexed because of what we see or hear here in Campus, so let me settle some beef here. Depending on your point of view and opinion depth, you’ll find some of these issues affecting you or someone you know directly:

I’M SINGLE AND SEARCHING
This is the most common lie in campus and very prevalent among us; gentlemen, sorry to say. You’ll always hear it in group and association meetings, especially during introductions. Turns out that every campus dude is single, ladies beware. Unless you’ve known a guy’s relationship history, I find ladies who fall for this cliché so naïve and cheap. Depending on when one commenced studies, the modal age bracket for joining campus according to a recent research conducted by an NGO in East African public universities is 19-20. Now, at this age comrades, unless one has an ambition of becoming a nun or brother, do you think a relationship status of “Single” applies? No, sir!

WEEKEND “UNCLES”
Gentlemen, keep your eyes open on Friday evenings and Saturday mornings to see the number of dressed-to-kill ladies in handbags and cars cruising along the academic highway; then compare the figures you get with workday figures. This way, you won’t break my spectacles when we meet anywhere because you’ll see what I mean. Very few principled ladies will shamelessly disclose their relationship statuses as “In a relationship” and I really give maximum respect to such. Most of them will always reminisce about their heartbreaks, how men are the same all over and go to the extent of calling us ‘dogs’ but during weekends, they visit their “Uncles” outside campus. Woe unto you who has such a comrade as a sweetheart here and boast to us of how her love is agape, you know, she even has to visit her only uncle every weekend while you’re left jerking off in your room. 

SWAG
Changes are constant and will always remain that way, I don’t dispute that fact and I also appreciate fashion to the maximum, but what's with dudes wearing Timberland boots with official outfits, exposed G-string briefs due to short tops and exposed dirty boxers because of sagging denim jeans along our highways? I won’t point any fingers, but some dudes are exact replicas of Homo habilis in the name of swag. Swag is not for every Tom, Dick and Harry. If you can’t do it right, leave it to the pros. Don’t show us the village in you by putting on 5kg baggy jeans, an Arsenal jersey plus a “Ng’ombe” cap on a hot afternoon and to add salt to injury, bouncing in this ISO certified institution. 

On the same note, some ladies resemble sand tippers in certain hair styles. They wonder why, despite possessing perfect model bodies, their weight constantly reads 1050 Newtons. It never occurs to them that the only thing they need to shed off that weight is to get rid of the bulky hair on their head. This is my opinion: Swag is for boys and girls; class is for real ladies and gentlemen. Simple and crystal clear. 

STATUS UPDATES
“On my way to Nairobi…Mombasa here I come...Heading to Kisumu…” The list is endless and very common during holidays and weekends. Sometimes you happen to have seen a comrade at a joint somewhere and the next thing you see him or her updating on Facebook is, “Kumbe wazungu pia hushuta”…at Pioneer International Hotel, Chicago USA, 2 minutes ago near Texas. Nkt! 

Will you catch cholera if you say you are sipping a warm calabash of porridge at your rural home, say Bomachoge village? Some even go to the trouble of climbing up trees to access UMTS, 3G or EDGE networks while guarding maize from notorious monkeys at their rural family farms, lest the monkeys reap where they did not sow, just to update such crap. The next time you see a comrade’s arm on an arm strap during reporting day, just smile and walk away!