EXILES IN CAMPUS

By Stanley Kimuge

Some weeks ago, I stumbled upon one of those Facebook pages meant to bolster insanity. “Kama haujawahi chapana exile ukiwa campo wewe uko down” (If you have never chased out your roommate you are dumb). In campus exile means being chased away from your room. And the person will be left to square out their business in bed without fear of interference. I did some research and found out that there are six types of exiles that can befall anybody.

NORMAL EXILES
In this category are guys with partners who live miles away. They slap you with a prior notice, say, two weeks to D-day or even a month. Victims will attest to this fact. They are given ample time to sort themselves out. The host will make sure that they have pestered your ears with a "hope umewahi place ya kudoze" chorus every now and then as a reminder. When the visitor arrives, the room remains out of bounds. The exile will be left to their own devices!

IMPROMPTU EXILES
I have noted that these are so common. A lady walks into your room. Maybe she came to catch up on a popular soap opera or the latest happenings; or possibly to hand in an assignment to you as the group leader. Fortunately, you own a TV, or if your pocket is fat enough, you have installed that which uses a white basin on the roof. You just hope that you are not interrupted for the better part of the session. You will cross your fingers that your nagging roommate will extend his time in the library.

BUSINESS EXILES
They are an innovative lot who exploit anything on this planet. Naturally, these are the guys who are lucky to find themselves. That’s how exiles have gone a notch higher, money talks. A roommate will stubbornly allow you to enjoy the space after parting with some token. You may think it is a lodge. But this too exists. After all scratch my back and you definitely smile all the way to bed for as long as you may want!

BUSH EXILES
Nowadays you wouldn't be surprised to catch a glimpse of a used gadget staring at you on your way to lecture. But just walk at night you will hear hushed voices from the bush. Either the roommates are stubborn or you're a victim of circumstances.
I am talking about those guys who reside in common rooms or hapless enough to live with 8 roommates. No wonder those guys from C Houses cunningly invite their girlfriends for discussion in the library then ask them to accompany them to the room, only to strip off the girl's pants inside the bush.

HARD-CORE EXILES
This is involves a roommate, usually a senior with two roommates, his campus "wife" and a junior guy. The cohabiting lady rarely sleeps in the room she hustled for at the beginning of semester. The junior to the real roommate will normally be forced to take piritons to ward off regular interruptions to his dreams! Each day, he smirks at the oppressive roommate.

CONTRACTUAL EXILES
I must admit this is a new trend in campus. It is a well-tailored deal. Probably, you had persuaded the roommate to allow you to accomplish your business. He bluntly scoffed your request. You leave your roommate hoping that when he harvests one, you will pay back. That’s the consolation you have. A quick idea comes to your sight. You remember your neighbour. His roommate went home. He too has taken a short holiday from the bed-dancing competition. He reluctantly allows you to sweat on his bed for one or two nights. But you have to place in your diary that he will terminate the contract any time.

Disclaimer: The writer of this article is not in any way advocating for exiles in campus.