THIS CHRISTMAS...

By Stanley Kimuge

1. A 2019 Bachelor of Education graduate lady will have her password hacked and cracked. She is fresh from Mapito Mixed secondary and Day School.

2. Somewhere inside a network severed dark room, two men are deliberating in hushed tones. One is holding a cigar. They will be strategizing on how to bankrupt Dela-rue.

3. Instead of playing James Pierpont’s Jingle Bells, Kamau will be corrupting it. A famous gospel artist will be negotiating with a Spring Club Owner there. Just to hit the charts.

4. In a house with a protruding cross (a top), a man of cloth is counting mbegus. Thick envelopes eloping with tithes. Standing at the pulpit, his sermons punctuated by M-PESA messages. And an excited congregation accompanies them with a rousing “Amen”.

5. Down in the Valley Death a middle aged woman is fighting hyenas. In leafy suburbs a pot-bellied man will be Nyeri-fied by food. He spends the better part of the day in his "private lodge".

6. In Wafula's home, ingokhos will still be counting last hours if not seconds, some lucky to have made a short prayer. Others will not even utter "Ooh father, may this eater remember me" phrase.

7. Unwinding bends of Kipua (sorry they have running nose) village. Here someone is butchered like a helpless chicken. Reason, he can't munch words.

8. A reputable mheshimiwa will be paying a visit and money to paraphernalia-furnished man. She sparked a spirited fight inside Chambers.

9. Exhausted Omondi alias Laden Osama will be spotted holding 6.37 kg of a non-lethal hand grenade. He wants to hurl at his wife Petrolina, curiously she had slept with his neighbour.

10. Boxing day had sprung soon. A supersonic marathoner had forgotten his boxer at Mueni's place. She is his long lasting battery, I mean mpango wa kando.

11. The Eleventh hour, a Moi University Shop Owner is turning East and then West in bed. Probably, mourning the sudden death of the goodies (back in the shop).

12. The writer is grudgingly cursing his ink fading pen and 10.2cm radius Chapatis for leaving this piece ‘unfinished’. The stomach-ial injuries sustained prompted a sir-den rest. Have a Un-Nyerifying one.