FRESHAZ NIGHT

By Stanley Kimuge

Tom is a BBM 1st year.
This will be his 1st kadunda.
He will be 20years 10days, 5hrs and 6 seconds.
By the time it dawns, Tom will . . .

1. Witness 427 bottles of in Keg being smashed. 201 of which will be deformed recognition. 50 of them will be “re-branded”.

2. Will have seen 123 fresh freshaz chics being ngurumishad by continuing dudes. Another 77 by his collegues’(fresher dudes will bonyeshad shindad at same time) . 40 of who will be dumped the following day.

3. Tom will have requested the Dee Jay to play “Toklezea” 15 times before giving up.

4. He will have danced Katumbo style all night. An hour in the middle of the crowd. Four hours in the middle of the nowhere.

5. He will be astonished for 53 minutes 2 seconds waiting for food to be served but amused for 20 minutes before the bash.

6. He will have slept in the cold outside Frustration Square cursing the gods after his room-mate made an impromptu exile.

7. He will have smelled 70kg of tobacco and 5 litres of busaa during the night. 55 kg of which he inhales. He will sip 0.3ml of naps reluctantly after being offered by a classmate whom he photocopied 7 bouncing time-tables.

8. He will have given Red Cross service to 12 staggering strangers. 5 of who will throw “bad mouth” on him. He will also save his friend Davy from brewing fight over his new catch Juliette.

9. Tom will have tried four times pestering vibes on a chic. All of which will be turned down.

10. Tom will have blushed thrice after being approached by a fourth year lady.

11. He will have had 51 missed calls. 40 by her village girl (his last voice mail message will read: I read calling you 40 times most recently 4.30am). 5 by his room-mate (wanting to inquire about his whereabouts). Te remaining by his mother.

12. Will have snatched a lady towards his room at around 5am. He will have been the last man standing in the floor. The security will have forced him to leave . . .

13. He will have spent ksh 85.50 informing his friends that kadunda imeanza. Total of Ksh 10 will be swallowed by convincing her classmate to come. 20 of the amount will have been safaricom sponsored.

14. The Hostel D Resident will have noticed 8 new Frakaz members sleeping in Student Centre loos. 2 of who will be ladies.