WHY THEY CONSIDER ME THEIR HERO

By Maalim Salat

Even though the holiday is too long, I have achieved so much. I am now a hero in my village down here in North Eastern. I am now set to marry the chief’s daughter because she is the only one worth marrying a young man who read many books at a university named after a former president.

I have read many books at Moi Yolofasity, and that is why I wear glasses, excuse me! By the way, that daughter of the local chief, who happens to be the most beautiful girl in the village, does not know how to love men like me who spent so much time in Hostel J before graduating.

One day she visited me and saw me holding a photo of me and my former girlfriend in Moi Yolofasity. You see, my former girlfriend did not originate from North Eastern or Mombasa. She is a member of the kind of female species who wear trousers. In the photo, there were so many miracles, at least according to that daughter of the local chief.

Number one, she wondered how a woman could wear a pair of trousers like men. I defended our girls in Moi Yolofasity by saying that only clever girls who qualify to join a university can wear trousers. She accepted this because she could not argue with a university man like me when she was just a class-8 dropout.

The other miracle she saw in the photo was Hostel H. Tension! This time it is not about Hakumatt or the maternity ward. The girl was wondering how houses can be built on top of each other ‘mbaka anakuwa kubwa namna hii’. When saying ‘namna hii’, you should open your hands wide and stand leaning sideways. Yes, now you get the real picture. That is how our girls in the village do when talking of something huge. I told her that my room is situated on the seventeenth floor. It is better I don’t tell you how she explained this to her father in the evening, otherwise hamtalala tonight.

I still wonder how the village boys heard about the photo but the next day a group of boys visited our home to see the picture I had with the ‘girl from Nairobi’. Apart from Moi Yolofaisty, the only other big town known in our village is Nairobi which they don’t believe is bigger than Garissa. They also heard that girls in Nairobi wear trousers.

They asked me about how houses can be built on each other and I told them that it was built for us by Moi, the Rais and they were like “hii kijana yetu ya yolofasity analala kwa nyumba ya rais. Mimi naaba wewe utakuwa bresident siku moja. Hata Saddam alikuwa namna hii.” (Hawajui kuwa Saddam alikufa). They call me ‘kijana ya yolofaisty’ because I am the first person from that village to ever join a university.

That is why I am a role model to their children and a potential husband to all the beautiful girls. What these girls don’t know is that I don’t like women who don’t know how to ‘hamisha hamisha hiyo bahali yao’. They only know ‘kuweka bahali moja’ while I am used to… (kwani you want to know more?)

Whenever I am called to speak to the candidates in the local schools, I usually tell them how to prepare ‘mwaks’ and pass exams. I usually show the boys the beautiful photos I take with the hostel J residents and tell them “ukienda yolofasity, utabata masichana anaitwa fresha kila maka. Kama hiyo abana tosha, iko mahali anaitwa frakaz hii kitu amejaa kila Friday. Wewe soma kwa bidii halafu wewe utashiba musijana”.

That works and some of the headmasters tell me that the boys are working hard. Do not be surprised to see many shamba boys in the yolofasity next year.

I wanted to tell you about how the boys and girls reacted when they saw me carrying this ‘TV that can be folded’. It is TV because computers are not known here. I can see the editor wondering whether to cook omena or read more of my crap. Let me save the story of the laptop for next week.


The SHAMBA BOY EDITION will be published every Wednesday.