POST-HELB CRISIS AND THE SECESSION OF HOSTEL H

By Maalim Salat

Welcome to a week in which three out of four comrades are so rich that they find it hard to attend classes. You know that moment when the lecturer is busy teaching and you are seated there wondering; “hii lecture inaisha saa ngapi?” you badly want to impress your girlfriend by taking her to town simply because My University did you a favour by delaying helb so that you become rich towards the end of the semester. The week also saw a bomb explode in Nairobi and our sirikali subwoofer says, “hiyo ni pipe ya maji imepasuka. The government is not aware of the presence of any terrorists in Kenya. In fact, nothing happened in Nairobi”.

Our MP was also heard saying, “That can only happen in a movie. How can so many people scream at the same time in pain?”

Our own sec-gen was not left behind, “those were toddlers and infant business people who confuse a tire bursting for a bomb. Some political thugs are behind this. Agwambo was there and he was not hurt”.

This is a week in which Hostel-H decided to secede from My University. Do you remember, “HOSTEL-H SIO MOI UNIVERSITY”? Anyway, I saw that somewhere. So I also say Hostel-H should be declared independent from My University. They should be able to provide constant electricity and water for its residents; something the country of My University failed to provide. Last week, one of the residents told me, “maze wacha nikumbie. This hostel has been marginalized by the authority. All other hostels get electricity and water, sisi hatupati. Ebu jaribu kuingia hostel uone venye inanuka.” and I told him, “usijali bro. Oil will soon be discovered in this hostel and that is when they will recognize us”. Oil is likely to be discovered below Hostel-H because of the deposit of too much dead omena and unclean toilets.

This week, HELB arrived and many comrades will grow fat because they will harass and exploit helb so much that the government will be forced to release it early next sem. We will grow fat because we enjoy our money more than the MUSO shopkeepers (sorry, I mean MUSO directors who own shops) they earn salary from their shops and do not have time for comrades who voted them in. The guys earn so much money and are still very thin because the promises they made haunts them to their bedrooms.

It was the best news any comrade would want to hear. Before I visited the ATM dispensing machine, I went to Violet Shop and had a little chat with Mr. Ruto, the shopkeeper. While we talked, I looked around to see what I can buy from the shop. I then went to the December shop and admired the flavoured condoms sold there. I imagined how I will be having tea with milk for the first time since I reported to this compound.

I saw comrades lined up at the studie waiting eagerly for that money that kina K’obilo sent from Nairobi when they visited Nakuru. Among comrades lined up at the studie was Dennis, a good friend of mine. Holding him was the fresher girlfriend I dumped last week when HELB virtually appeared on that place called the Internet. By the way, these days I don’t even google for answers when my lecturers give me assignment for fear that the Internet may lie and tell me, “it seems you have never enrolled for that course or you have entered the wrong question”.

Entrepreneurs bought enough stock for their businesses. I even saw the Moi University Wagalla Survivors Association (MUWSA) chairman ordering for what they call kangeta and giza for members of the association (that is how they celebrate). I don’t know the meaning of kangeta and giza but I am told it is that product that makes my people slim and beautiful. Hii Friday, kadunda pia itabamba. Na mimi sikuli tena sukuma choma.