By Maalim Salat
Welcome to a week in which three out of four comrades are so rich
that they find it hard to attend classes. You know that moment when the
lecturer is busy teaching and you are seated there wondering; “hii
lecture inaisha saa ngapi?” you badly want to impress your girlfriend by
taking her to town simply because My University did you a favour by
delaying helb so that you become rich towards the end of the semester.
The week also saw a bomb explode in Nairobi and our sirikali subwoofer
says, “hiyo ni pipe ya maji imepasuka. The government is not aware of
the presence of any terrorists in Kenya. In fact, nothing happened in
Nairobi”.
Our MP was also heard saying, “That can only happen in a movie. How can so many people scream at the same time in pain?”
Our own sec-gen was not left behind, “those were toddlers and infant
business people who confuse a tire bursting for a bomb. Some political
thugs are behind this. Agwambo was there and he was not hurt”.
This is a week in which Hostel-H decided to secede from My University.
Do you remember, “HOSTEL-H SIO MOI UNIVERSITY”? Anyway, I saw that
somewhere. So I also say Hostel-H should be declared independent from My
University. They should be able to provide constant electricity and
water for its residents; something the country of My University failed
to provide. Last week, one of the residents told me, “maze wacha
nikumbie. This hostel has been marginalized by the authority. All other
hostels get electricity and water, sisi hatupati. Ebu jaribu kuingia
hostel uone venye inanuka.” and I told him, “usijali bro. Oil will soon
be discovered in this hostel and that is when they will recognize us”.
Oil is likely to be discovered below Hostel-H because of the deposit of
too much dead omena and unclean toilets.
This week, HELB
arrived and many comrades will grow fat because they will harass and
exploit helb so much that the government will be forced to release it
early next sem. We will grow fat because we enjoy our money more than
the MUSO shopkeepers (sorry, I mean MUSO directors who own shops) they
earn salary from their shops and do not have time for comrades who voted
them in. The guys earn so much money and are still very thin because
the promises they made haunts them to their bedrooms.
It was
the best news any comrade would want to hear. Before I visited the ATM
dispensing machine, I went to Violet Shop and had a little chat with Mr.
Ruto, the shopkeeper. While we talked, I looked around to see what I
can buy from the shop. I then went to the December shop and admired the
flavoured condoms sold there. I imagined how I will be having tea with
milk for the first time since I reported to this compound.
I
saw comrades lined up at the studie waiting eagerly for that money that
kina K’obilo sent from Nairobi when they visited Nakuru. Among comrades
lined up at the studie was Dennis, a good friend of mine. Holding him
was the fresher girlfriend I dumped last week when HELB virtually
appeared on that place called the Internet. By the way, these days I
don’t even google for answers when my lecturers give me assignment for
fear that the Internet may lie and tell me, “it seems you have never
enrolled for that course or you have entered the wrong question”.
Entrepreneurs bought enough stock for their businesses. I even saw the
Moi University Wagalla Survivors Association (MUWSA) chairman ordering
for what they call kangeta and giza for members of the association (that
is how they celebrate). I don’t know the meaning of kangeta and giza
but I am told it is that product that makes my people slim and
beautiful. Hii Friday, kadunda pia itabamba. Na mimi sikuli tena sukuma
choma.
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