HONOURING THE EYESORE CERTIFICATION

By Mohammed Doyo

We are a blessed lot; we just got rated as the leading institution of higher learning with the ‘cleanest’ toilets. If the article written a week ago, in the camposanity section of the buzz, a pull out of the Sunday Nation is anything to go by, we would scoop a gold medal for beating other universities hands down in this category. This is the second time our beloved university’s name has found its way in the national paper. Previously we made an appearance after bunch of bored students choreographed an imaginary ear- catching story –the ‘infamous Hostel J list’ – that saw shock and panic grip comrades.

I’m not surprised by this sterling performance. Tell me, would you not expect this when you have 1/2 of toilets with faulty flash systems, faulty taps, faulty cleaning and everything else faulty including their usage?! Tell me, how would we not triumph in this when a section of Hostel H students in numerous occasions have ranted ‘hostel H si Moi’ due to the high standards observed in hygiene negligence? Haven’t we in one way or another learned to appreciate cockroaches as part and parcel of the student community after their long stay in our hostels? 

To all those responsible for making us produce such admirable results I say Congratulations! It’s unfortunate I’m not in charge of the staff appraisal department; I would have ordered an instant pay rise for you. Such pains of ensuring our ISO certification standards are recognized on a national platform don’t just come so easily! The Health director is out of session somewhere running a shop and therefore cannot recognize this excellence. I will pass my congratulations when she resumes.

I will still not be surprised when we bag gold medals in other areas. Of late, the non-stop blackouts have turned out to be the talk of campus! I’m yet to confirm whether they are also part of our firm adherence to the ISO certifications but I have confirmed they mostly smack hostel H especially when it rains! I’m no expert to derive the relationship between rain and the blackouts in H but I’m an expert enough to know if a problem is reported and rectified on time, it is bound to stay long before it recurs! 

In the last few days ,I’m coming to terms with the new scientific concept I learned over the two weeks ago “ the amount of Haki yetu chants made in unison is inversely proportionate to the amount of time taken to bring power back’! I’m not certain whether it can work out elsewhere but I am in no doubt it will work wonders in universities, chiefly those that revere eyesore certifications!

Before my pen stops rolling, I am obliged to give our beloved ultra-modern health dispensary at least a mention! For this, not only would we bag gold medals but also set a world record that wouldn’t be broken anytime soon! As our schools mission states, we endeavor to offer world-class services and this is exactly what our only health unit is doing! Tell me, which other dispensary offers the same dose prescription of brufen and panadols to all forms of ailments including severe cases of food poisoning, arthritis, blood pressure among others? 

Oh! and before I forget, - our world class ambulance! It such an effective vehicle considering it drives at below 50KM/hr when responding to emergencies! That’s what we call an ‘emergency speed’. This effectiveness has been slightly affected by the high prices of fuel that has made it perennially difficult to afford the highly valued liquid. The medical fee of 1000 paid by every student in the beginning of each academic year is not enough to fund this, is it?

All in all, we should be thankful for having found ourselves in such an institution that prides itself with ISO certifications that only few institutions of higher learning can afford!