YOU SHAMELESS THIEF, YOU!

By Shiku Ngigi

Yes, you there plotting your next burglary. You are the ever-absent student in class, thief in the hostel. So your parents sent you all the way to this land to steal? Did they labour day and night to send you to the university only for you to metamorphose into a common thief? 

It’s one thing to steal back in village, steal the neighbour’s chicken when they are not looking and have a feast with friends (It is, if you are a ten-year-old with all the time in the world to think of nothing but that). It is yet another thing to call yourself an intellectual and invest your time to devising ways and means of robbing students of their hard-earned belongings. 

You walk into the library and sling a bag over your shoulder as if it belongs to you. A bag you grabbed on one of the racks at the entrance. You break into rooms and grab the first laptop you see. You even wait for the dead of the night to walk out to the clothes lines and make away with people’s wet clothes. You have stooped lower than low.

OK, maybe your parents did not send you here. Maybe you laboured all on your own to make it to this great institution. So what? Did you make all that effort only to reduce yourself into an agent of crime? Oh yes, you are a criminal, just in case you have deluded yourself into thinking you are better than they who do it forcefully. 

Shiku, I am from a poor background. I cannot afford a laptop and neither can my parents, you say. Hold up. I am pretty certain that you are alive because you had some tea and mandazi for breakfast. Also, I am pretty sure you are not naked or out there in the rain. What am I saying? A laptop is not a basic need. Do what you can with what you have. Use it well and your efforts will pay off in the end. 

You might even get a better laptop with better specs than the one you are planning to steal. Laptops are made to expire in as few as three years. This is based on a little maxim we call Moore’s Law. Obsolescence will hit you in the face before you have erased the legal owner’s data. While you are bent on eyeing that poor girl’s laptop in the library (one equipped with 2GB of RAM, 32-bit Windows 7 and 160GB disk space), another bright individual is making ends meet to buy an awesome Core i7, complete with Windows 8, 6 GB RAM and 640GB of disk space).

There is nothing as pathetic as blaming your background for the thief you have become. You are a shameless individual who delights in seeing other people suffer. You reap where you have not sown, akin to the hyena, which waits in the shadows for the lion to make a kill on its behalf. (And by the way, hyenas have been found to hunt for over 50% of their meals. Turns out you are the only real scavenger out here.) Don’t blame your parents. You are old enough to know that what you’re doing is entirely wrong.

It’s also likely that you are stealing laptops for a bigger syndicate in campus. That’s just sad. It gets sadder; that moment it hits you that you are just a minion. You are stealing to enrich the big boss up in your little ‘organization’ while you attain the label thief. It cannot get any sadder than that. 

Meanwhile, we will lock our doors a little tighter, hug our bags a little tighter and keep our eyes peeled for any move you make. You are one of those people who should be banished to Mars or Pluto if it still exists. You can also reform while there’s still time. It’s all up to you. Your days are numbered.

THIEF CAUGHT IN HOSTEL F

Residents of Hostel F were, yesternight, treated to a drama after a thief was arrested for stealing a laptop. The student, a fourth year media student, was caught by a group of irate comrades after he was suspected of stealing a laptop from his friend.

After an hour of interrogation, the suspect admitted to stealing the laptop with the intention of selling it to settle his semester fees of Ksh 9000. The student had remained in school as his classmates travelled to Mombasa.

Following the incident the hostel residents have now asked the janitor to relocate the student to a different hall of residence for being a security threat, “How can you steal from a friend? Hatuwezi tukaishi na wezi! Huyo jamaa atatuibia tena!” added an angry comrade. 

“Theft has been rampant in this campus and it’s high time it came to an end. Those involved should face the full wrath of the law,” added the laptop owner.

This semester has recorded a high number of theft cases especially in electronics. By the time of going to press the student had returned the laptop and recorded a statement at the security office.

CAMPUS TERMS AND THEIR REAL TRANSLATIONS14

By Mohammed Doyo

In campus, we have some common phrases that are popular among the student fraternity. And as a communication student who is very keen on the language use during conversations and chats, I found it ‘worthy’ to compile this list just in case you needed to know the REAL meaning/translation of some of this phrases. 

‘K’− You are totally boring and I want to end this conversation. 

“Oh”− I don’t know what else to say

“Ok”− I am busy

“Yup”− Stop talking to me

“Umemaliza assignment?”− I have not done my assignment and I want to copy yours right now.

“I got swag” − I am just another overgrown teenager who still thinks acting stupid makes one famous.

“Me ni hustler”− I am broke most of the time

“Uko single?”− I was dumped the other day; I am, therefore, interested in you.

“Uko stage?” − I am about to come there so prepare to buy me food or booze

“My twin”− My close friend who looks nothing like me

“Hii story hapana!”− This is no longer a laughing matter and this situation is now considered serious.

“My heart is taken but I’m single”− She/he doesn’t love me any more

“Siwezi make kutembea, nimechoka”− unless you are buying me chips or smokie, I am not willing to go with you

“Me ni half cast”− I am ashamed of my original tribe and therefore I can’t mention it in public

“I am broke”− I only have enough money for ME.

“Umm.. I got a boyfriend “− Not only are you ugly, you are broke too. Get out of my face

“Whatever!”− I refuse to continue the conversation because you have ruined my mood!

“Why are you lying?”− Why are you telling people something TRUE that I don’t want them to know?

“LOL”− I was flirting, but just in case you are not feeling it, I will make it seem like a joke

“Girl, you will not believe what happened to me”− Prepare to hear my exaggerated version of the story

“I swear sitaambia mtu yeyote”− except my three best friends, my boyfriend, his sister and that random guy on FB, everyone else won’t know about it!

“Mwakenya”− an external micro hard disk that is very essential for intellectual reinforcements in the exam room (as per University student’s dictionary, Moi Uni Edition 2013)

“Naenda library kuchop”− Exams are beginning tomorrow

“Class imebounce”− God answered my prayers. I now have extra 3 hours to watch my favourite series

“Unaishi hostel gani?”− I am idle today and therefore I wouldn’t mind visiting you at your place.

“My dad loves me so much”- I receive M-Pesa messages on regular basis from my father.

DON’T HOLD BACK, WE ARE STILL CAPABLE TOGETHER

By Matthew Nyang'or

Often when we, comrades, face obstacles in our day to day life in our institution, our hurdles seem very small in comparison to what many others are facing or have to face. Let’s take the past and bury it to create an enabling space for the present to engulf it and take a chance to make a wise choice.

Let’s all know that we are still capable of overcoming our challenges. The change (we want) that seems impossible can be realized by our own determination and persistence to cultivate our thoughts and minds to judge what is right for us and make it practical no matter the odds.

It is important to accomplish certain things like managing the accommodation crisis, handling comrades HELB issues, letting comrades know about the University academic schedule to enable proper planning, developing proper ways of rewarding class reps for their contributions to lecture coordination, incorporating the special needs students among others. This will create a better environment for academic improvement.

For the above issues to be tackled, it calls for us to accept that there is a gap that needs to be filled; one that will mark the beginning of the change we want, because we all need positive transformation by all the stakeholders concerned.

It calls for listening and mutual understanding of comrades’ needs. That is when we will find peace of mind to advocate for the change we want. All our dreams can come true; if we only have the courage to pursue them.

We can never truly know what we’re capable of until we give it a try.